From the Trenches...

Avoiding The Emotion-Filled Approach: Skipping Defensive Conversations

 

 

 

Avoiding The Emotion-Filled Approach: Skipping Defenseive Conversations  - Duke Kelly

 

  "Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against; not with; the wind."     

 -Hamilton Mabie

 

 Some situations are complex, especially in the classroom. There are countless turf battles to deal with every day.  Which ones should you take on? Which ones should be let go?  The truth is that there is no right answer, because there is no way of ensuring how the conversation will turn out, even if you give it your best shot.

 Regardless, when you do make the decision to take on a situation and communicate your angle, ask yourself; Is the real conflict inside of you?  Sometimes what's difficult about a situation is much more related to what is going on inside of you, versus what is going on between you and someone else.  In this case, focusing on the conversation isn't going to pay off.  You may as well complete the conflict within yourself.  Your emotions, or perhaps embarrassment, may be getting in the way of the actual problem.

 

 Consider the student who loudly interrupts your lesson and says, "This is so boring!" Rude? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Spot on, "hit the nail on the head" correct? A high probability! Students rarely say something like this if it isn't true. Are you willing to admit that? If you wish to battle with the rudeness of the comment, go ahead. It will solve nothing. Ironically, the more you know this is true, the more emotionally embattled you may become. I have heard some teachers say things out of frustration such as, "Do you think you could do a better job?" or "The students up here don't look bored. Maybe you should try harder." (I know none of you would say such things.)Be honest, do either of these statements do ANY good for anybody? Only your own pride is being defended wth them, but to what end?

 

 If you decide to address a situation, ask yourself if there is a better way to address it than actually talking about it in a straightforward manner. Take time to sort out your contribution to the situation.  Once you make more sense of your role, responsibility, and fault, you may be able to come up with some solutions that include you changing your approach.  In the above example, try saying,

 

"It isn't exactly my best work this year, I agree. Thank you for your thoughts, there are only 15 minutes left before we work in our groups."

 

 What would be the reaction of the student and the class. In many classrooms, the situation would be completely diffused. Just say that and move on. Would it always work. Nothing does. The point is to avoid the typical confrontation and change your angle.

 Now that you have considered your angle of approach to the situation, ask yourself if your purpose makes sense.  Sometimes we try having conversations when our purposes are simply off-base (defending our pride or avoiding embarrassment).  When that happens, the outcome is not likely to be positive, regardless of how carefully you choose your words. Make sure your goal is to help the student and the class. The proposed solution above handles this issue as well.

 

Here are a Couple Guidelines:

Don't focus on short term relief at long-term cost.  It is easy to be defensive in a variety of conversations.  Step into the space between your perception of the situation and what your ideal reaction is.  You may feel relieved for a while after "finally letting them know what you think," but that satisfaction may be short-lived.  Instead, approach difficult situations from a stance of curiosity.  Consider why they feel the way they do, and what you can do to guide the overall situation toward your goal.

Don't hit and run. If you are going to talk, talk.  Really talk.  Don't throw out an off-hand comment at a frustrated moment.  Just like location is everything in the restaurant world, timing is everything in the communication world.  Those going against this guidline are the teachers who share sarcastic jabs with a student and let it go so long that the student receives discliplinary action. Shouldn't the teacher get some, too? After all, they were also sparring throughout the lesson. Have any of you seen this type of interaction? They are the same teachers complaing about the "rudeness" of students in the teachers lounge (for those of you who venture in there).

 

 In summary:

• Investigate and acknowledge the basis for your own feelings and stance when potential conflict nears,
• Consider whether alternative solutions may be better than a face off,
• Consider your own purpose and whether it is on task or if it is loaded with conflict that is unrelated to the situation at hand,
• Focus on long-term solutions (not just the satisfaction of telling your side, saving your pride or using power to subside), and
• Choose an appropriate time and situation, versus the off-hand attack that leaves all sides defensive. 

 I look forward to your comments and additional examples. Feel free to post some of your unfortunate emtional "outbursts" and everyone can provide solutions!

 

 Also, don't forget to read the Action Steps related to this article.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~Duke R. Kelly

Education Illustrated LLC

The 3 Components of Difficult Conversations

The 3 Components of Difficult Conversations - Duke Kelly

  "Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional."

 I write this post because of a startling fact in the teaching profession. We all know that a huge percentage of teachers leave the profession with a handful of years. What is rarely talked about, however, is WHY they leave. From my non-scientific research, many teachers leave for reasons that have nothing to do with money and, here's the kicker...nothing to do with teaching kids! Yes, as you may have guessed, many (if not most) leave the profession because of problems with other adults. Did I take your breath away with that revelation? Probably not. I hope to help a tiny bit with this post. Read on...

 Difficult conversations are a normal part of life. No matter what personal or professional gains you make, there will always be difficult conversations that have to take place. So what could you learn that would make them easier? Better yet, what could you learn that would make them more impactful? I’m about to tell you.

 This approach was born out of collaboration between the Family Institute of Cambridge and Harvard Law School’s negotiation workshop. What can this new approach suggest that you haven’t already tried? Probably, quite a bit.

 So, assume you have a difficult situation to deal with. Perhaps a parent is coming to contest a grade. Or maybe a teacher you work with has done something you consider out of bounds and you have been "volunteered" to talk to her.

 The Harvard Negotiation Project teaches us that with each difficult conversation, there are actually three conversations happening. That is, there are three undercurrents driving the energy behind the conversation.

1)  The “What Happened” Conversation

This is the disparity between each parties’ interpretation of what has happened. Who is right?  Who is to blame?

2) The Feelings Conversation

Whose feelings are valid? Should they be acknowledged, or peeled off of the conversation? How can that happen? How should you address feelings without walking into a landmine?

3) The Identity Conversation

What does this situation mean to each of us? What judgments are we likely making about each other? How is this affecting self-esteem and self-image?

 

Let's discuss these three concurrent conversations

 Let’s face it, in the “What Happened” conversation, no matter how we phrase it, we are usually telling the other side that they are to blame. The fact is that there may not be a clear right or wrong, depending on who you ask. You may think, “But I KNOW that he is wrong!”

 Actually, the only certainty in a difficult conversation is that you and your counterpart have completely conflicting perceptions, interpretations and, maybe, values. Move away from the “truth” assumption (from proving you are right), to understanding the differing perceptions of each side. Shift the focus away from establishing blame and toward an acknowledgment that we can never truly know other peoples’ intentions.

 The “Feelings” conversation is taking place at the same time. Regardless of how much you try to check your emotions at the door, there are emotional undercurrents to most difficult conversations. Even more, difficult situations don’t just involve feelings, they are based on feelings. Sometimes a situation is so sensitive that feelings can’t even be broached. Typically, you will benefit from knowing how to acknowledge and talk about the feelings associated with the situation.

 

 The “Identity” conversation is often the most subtle and complex. However, it offers leverage in managing anxiety and improving your results in the other two conversations. This conversation asks “What does this say about me?” Even when you are the one who may be delivering bad news, identity still comes into play. How will people see you after this conversation?

 Here is a checklist from Difficult Conversations, by The Harvard Negotiation Project. Use this as a map for your next difficult conversation.

• Prepare by walking through the three conversations.
• Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue at all.
• Don’t start from your version or your counterpart’s version of the situation. Start from the “third story” of the differences between your stories.
• Listen carefully to their story and then tell yours.
• Problems solve by considering options that meet the most important concerns and interests.

 As you can tell from this checklist, this is really about conflict resolution and starts by being able to effectively understand (not just listen to) the perspectives of the other person in the conflict situation and depersonalize the conflict. What would the conversation be like if you spent the first two minutes of every interaction just making sure you’ve understood the other party’s perspective? We've heard that before, but the knowledge of these three simultaneous conversations gives us new avenues to explore.

I look forward to your comments,

   

Duke Kelly
Education Illustrated LLC - CEO

http://www.edapple.com